Month: April 2016

Life often has stuff come up. Emotionally draining, worrying, unforeseen stuff. I’ve got some of that going on right now in my life. It’s nothing I can do anything about. At least not directly. And I just have to wait it out and see the outcome.

But I’m not in a mindset to write.

At all.

So I’m taking the pressure off. Whatever happens in the next week or two, if I get words on the page, if I write a blog post, then it happens. But I don’t expect it. I may be around on social media a bit, here and there, but I’m not going to be any kind of presence.

I imagine things will settle down, one way or another, after this upcoming weekend. And then I’ll be able to focus back on writing at that time. I was trying to keep going, but honestly, there’s no focus. And that would just produce crappy words. So, like I said, I’m taking the pressure off myself and letting it be.

I’ll be back, to work and posting, when I have some news.

When Amber Quill announced that they were closing their doors, after I got over the initial wave of sadness, I started to think about what I would do with my titles there. I toyed with a lot of ideas, from trying to shop them to another publisher to doing nothing at all and letting them disappear. But I didn’t want them to just be gone, especially because Peace was barely out, so I had to come up with a solution that was the best for me and my books.

After doing some research and talking to some people, I decided I would release them myself.

Self publishing has a bad rap because of the multitude of people who take advantage of it. They don’t care what the quality is, they just slap some book up, typos, mistakes, and all. Some of those people don’t know better, some are just looking to cash in. But overall, it’s given self publishing a bit of a stain.

It can be done right, and there are tons of authors who do it. They care about quality, and they have hired editors and cover artists who help them create the best book they can before they upload it themselves. I’m a big fan of some of these books, and I give these authors so much credit. They produce high quality books for everyone to enjoy.

So I was totally intimidated. I’m not very tech savvy, I didn’t know what I needed to do exactly, and those things combined had my anxiety very high. So even though I’d made the decision, had fully edited manuscripts, and I’d contacted a friend and cover artist to make me new art, I didn’t do anything more.

Now granted, I could do anything at all until after AQP officially closed their doors. So I had time. And I got to ignore things for a little while, put off the worry and fretting for a bit.

But I’ve finally gotten my act together and put things in motion. I’ve learned a lot about programs and how to use them in the past couple of days. I feel more confident about how to do certain things. I’m not quite ready yet to upload any titles but now at least, I know it will happen. I’ve got some confidence.

I’ll post details when I have them about when and where things will be going live. I anticipate it happening within the next few months. There will be new covers, and a few minor edits and tweaks, but no new content on the whole. If you have the original version, there’s no need to buy the new versions. But fairly soon, the Something Like books will be back on the shelves.

And it won’t be too long before I start writing book four.

I’m in this weird place where I’m trying to figure out if I just don’t know how to make my plot work or the plot needs to change because it doesn’t work.

Honestly, I’m certain its the former. It’s a little outside my wheelhouse, what I want to write for this story. I was going to say comfort zone but I enjoy these kinds of stories. So perhaps it’s comfort zone as a writer. More to the point, I’ve never written anything quite like this before.

Enemies to lovers is a trope that can go so very wrong. And I think it takes a certain amount of talent to not only write it, but to make it believable. I’m definitely at that point where I don’t think I have the kind of talent to pull it off. Perhaps that’s why it’s morphed a little in the plotting.

When I first conceived of this story, six or so months ago now, things were different in my head. The other guy was the narrator. Things were a little more hostile and took longer to resolve. But as I’m seeing the story now, I find myself with a different narrator and that has put a whole new perspective on things. But the problem I’m faced with is that I can’t get them over the first hurdle. The one that actually happens before the story itself begins. And then the one in the midpoint of the story? That hurdle seems impossible to surmount, because I want it to be believable and to make sense within the context of the story and characters. It can’t just be a flipping switch.

I know it’s me. I know that there’s some sort of block keeping me from figuring it out. I’m very conscious of not making it too easy, but neither do I want it to be so difficult that there’s no way to get them to the place they need to be.

These guys have chemistry. They are supposed to be together. They just got off on the very wrong foot, and things spiraled out of control before they could stop it. My job as a writer is to make you see all of that. To make you see what happened and what is keeping them apart.

I just have to figure out how.

So I got myself all worked up into a mess thinking about the whole plot thing. But I got totally stuck. I mean, the title and the basic plot point still work. Those two things do not have to change.  Also the characters, who are deliciously perfect together, can stay exactly as they are. The rest of it though? That’s another matter entirely. I need to rework everything and as I forced my focus and desperately thought, I found myself getting further and further away from any sort of workable plot.

The thing is, I really wanted to work on this story next. I was in the right head space and the guys were talking to me. So I was hoping that I’d be able to rework the plot and go to town. Get this story in the works and start getting on the page. But instead, the story became even more elusive and I had no choice but admit defeat. Temporary defeat, that is.

This story is temporarily on the shelf. Believe me when I tell you these guys are going to be great once I finally know their story. But for now, I have to put them away.

Instead, I’m shifting focus and switching gears. I’m working on something else instead, something that’s been in the pipeline and that a couple of people have told me they are waiting for. I’ve broken ground on Alex and Spencer’s story. Something Like Want is in the works.

I was ready to dive in. I was.  All set, poised and about to jump.

Until I had the startling realization that the plot I’d created in my head was startling similar to the plot of another book.

I don’t know how I didn’t realize it sooner. While I was sitting there plotting and taking the time to write that plot out, you would think that it would have hit me. Considering the book in question is one I enjoy and have read several times. You would think I’d have made the connection. But I didn’t and so it was like a lightning bolt or a punch to the face or something shocking and/or illuminating. I didn’t see it before and then it was all I could see.

Now, yeah, I know. There’s only so many stories you can tell, and often times, there are points that are similar throughout books. It’s inevitable, in a way. It’s going to happen. But this goes beyond that. It wasn’t just one or two similarities. It was a whole host.

And so…I’m reworking and altering and changing. Have to. And even though it’s a bit frustrating and for a little bit I was very growly about it, at least I realized it BEFORE I started writing.

I still expect to get my head together and get this started. There’s been enough procrastinating. So I’m focusing on that. The characters are good as they are, the beginning can stay the same. It’s just all the other plot points that need to be changed.

I’m laughing about it now…in a way I wasn’t yesterday. And looking at it like it just might be the thing I need to get this thing jump started.

It’s funny how there comes a point in my brain, in my process, where everything just clicks and I’m ready to get on with the writing. I can’t even clearly say why it’s happened this time. A few friends have been nudging me, agreeing with the “just tell the story and don’t worry about the other stuff,” and that’s definitely helped. Kind of like I have…validation, perhaps. Not all stories require this level of internal debate. And I think I’ve finally narrowed down why, exactly, I’m dragging my feet on starting this new story.

The answer is really threefold.

The first is all me. I’m really enjoying listening to audiobooks and knitting right now. So my free time has been spent doing that, and I’m loving it. I find it relaxing and rewarding. And I haven’t been quite ready to cut into that time yet.

Second thing is that I read a lot. And reading is a vital part of my writing process. I’m not quite sure how I can explain it so that it makes sense to you, but for me, when I don’t read, my imagination lags, and I don’t feel as motivated to write. But of late…let’s just say that what I’ve read has been less than stellar. And there have been some that have been really good. But the lackluster showing has…dampened my enthusiasm some. I recently saw it described as refilling the well, and that resonated with me, as my well is nearly empty.

And then there’s just me, my personality. I worry incessantly about ridiculous things. It’s just who I am. I fret. I second guess. I overthink and over analyze.

But good news is, I’ve gotten over the hump. With the kind nudging, I’ve gotten my head into a good place. And that’s the first, most important step toward getting this story on the page. That last thing? Well, there’s nothing to do about that except shove it aside for as long as I can. And the kind nudging and the validation certainly helps keep that at bay.  Now that’s accomplished, I can deal with the other two things. The first is easy enough: I work really well on a reward system. An “if I do X then I can do Y” kind of thing. Using the knitting and audiobooks as a reward if I write a certain number of words or for a certain length of time means I can have both. The second is actually easy to handle as well: go back to some old favorites. Read something I haven’t in a while that I love, and that will help to fill the well.

With those three things handled, I can finally dive in. I’m on the edge of the spring board, and I’m read to jump. I just have to get the right kind of bounce going. Watch the word meter over the coming week, I expect it to go up by thousands.

…You’re certain that the story you’re about to tell is garbage.

It happens to me a lot.

Okay, wait, that sounds weird. So let me try to explain.

I’m sure I’m not the only one it happens to. Actually, I know I’m not. But I get this feeling, deep down in my gut, and I just know, with utter certainty, that the story I’m about to write is bad. It’s all very, “What was I thinking? I can’t write this story. It’s stupid and pointless and no one is going to want to read it. I need to scrap it, throw it away, and think of a new idea. A better idea.” It happens to me every time I come up with a new plot, when I get to the point of getting ready to actually write it. I spend time waffling about, trying to convince myself that it’s a story worth telling. And I give my computer the side eye, not wanting to go near it, though I feel it’s siren call. Because that way lies heartache and I don’t want heartache.

(not to muddy thing up, but I also get this feeling about about the three-quarters point while actually writing the story. I know all the time spent was a waste and it’s a crap story and I should abandon it and think of something news)

But see, the characters, they call to me. They keep popping up in my brain and I keep seeing scenes from their lives. I keep seeing this story played out in all those times during the day when my brain scampers off to play with imaginary characters.

So I know this is the story to tell next, I know these are the characters to tell it. Logic brain tells me that. But Lizard Brain, the one that’s full of fear, keeps pulling me back.

Lizard brain won’t win in the end. I have the plot mostly mapped, and I know where I want to go with it. I know that’ll change when I actually start writing, but I’ve got my jumping off point. I’ve got two guys who have already begun to worm their way under my skin. There are times when I don’t know whether I like Seth or Gabriel more.  They both have endearing points, and things about them I adore. I like “watching” them together. (See how I just dropped the second MC’s name in there?)

I gotta get through some stuff over the next week or so. Obligations I need to fulfill and another yarn project I want to finish. But I’m making tentative plans to do a sequesterish Saturday, to get that jump start on the writing. Because I need to just shove this moment out the window. And start telling the story.