Month: March 2014

The sound of a diesel engine still made me catch my breath.  Even though it had been two years since I had heard that  truck pull into my drive, every time I heard that particular sound of an idling  engine, my heart gave a painful thump.  I knew I’d never see that truck, or it’s driver, again.  But it still effected me.

We’d been together for six months.  Secretly, but that was okay.  Given his career, he couldn’t be out.  DADT hadn’t been repealed yet then.  So we maintained the friend facade in public and hid behind closed doors.  I accepted it.  It was worth it to be with him.

When he’d gotten his deployment orders, his stoic face had fallen into place.  We talked for a long while about what that would mean for us.  In the end, it was better for us both to walk away.  I hated every minute of it, but I respected the untenable position he was in.  I’d worried constantly over the last two years, knowing he was in combat in a war zone.  And hoped I didn’t hear the worst news possible.  Trying to put him out of my heart and mind was impossible.  But he’d made it clear before he left; we were over even though he cared for me a great deal.  I had to accept that.  And I was getting better at letting go everyday.

That didn’t mean the sound of that engine didn’t still twist my gut as I remembered the last time I’d heard it pull away from the house.  Hearing it this close again was almost unbearable.  I wouldn’t let myself look out the front window, just to see some other truck on the street, waiting for some other person.

The sound of the engine abruptly ceased.  I heard the door snap shut.  I forced myself to breathe evenly, and relax.  But then there was familiar sound of boots on the wooden porch.  A moment later, a distinctive rap on the door.  I sprang up and ran, not caring I’d knocked my glass to the floor and spilled water everywhere.  I yanked open the door.

There he stood, looking skinny and haggard, but smiling.  He was wearing his utility uniform, and I gasped as he pulled off his cover and aviator sunglasses.  There were lines around his eyes and mouth that hadn’t been there before.  But the familiar close cropped hair and mischievous tilt of his head still made my blood race.  He was as handsome as ever.  And I was just so damn happy to see him, alive and whole and smiling.  Tears filled my eyes.

The lance corporal was home.

**Luke and Seth make a reappearance.  See how the met here.**

“Oh my God!”

I was up and running because the tone of that yell made me think that my boyfriend had injured himself and was currently bleeding all over the floor.  I raced toward the back of the house, knowing that the last place I had seen Luke was in the spare bedroom where I kept the computer.  My heart was pounding, adrenaline pouring through my veins, as I passed over the threshold.  Luke was staring in abject terror at the monitor.  His blue eyes were as wide as saucers, his pretty mouth hanging open.

“Babe?” I asked cautiously, keeping my voice low.  “What’s wrong?”

He raised a shaky hand–the one not clutching the mouse for dear life–and pointed at the screen.  I crept closer, my mind running through the possibilities of what horror he had seen or read that had caused him to yell like that.  Knowing him, it could be anything from the news that his favorite designer had decided to retire to an image of a dead puppy.

Before I was close enough to see, he whispered in a horrified voice, “How did he even get that up there?”

My gaze shot to the screen and for just a second, I was as appalled as Luke was.  Then I wrestled the mouse from his clenched fingers, and quickly closed the browser.  With the image gone, he breathed a sigh of relief.  His hands were still shaking as he lifted them to cover his face.  I let him have a moment to collect himself.

“A traffic cone, Seth.”  His voice was still filled with disbelief and shock.

Because he still had his face covered, I didn’t try to school my expression as my lips started to quirk.  “I saw.”

“Why would anyone think that is a good idea?” he mumbled.  He moved his hands down to press against his mouth, and kept his eyes shut tight.

I couldn’t help but release a small laugh.  Now that I knew he was okay, and the offending image was gone, the whole situation was kind of funny.

“This is why you aren’t allowed to look at porn by yourself,” I chastised playfully.

His head shot up, his eyes popping open as he glared.  “I can look at porn if I want to,” he responded petulantly.  Then a smile started to creep across his lips, ruining his anger.  He gave a sigh.  “Though how I keep finding stuff like that, I don’t know.”

“You certainly have a talent for it,” I responded with a shake of my head.  I reached out and took hold of his biceps, easing him up out of the chair.  He came willingly, and then lunged into my arms, burying his face down against my shoulder.  He gave an exaggerated shudder, and I knew he was getting over the shock of what he had just seen.  I rubbed my hands up and down his back.  He relaxed a little more, his arms snaking around my waist and holding on tight.

After several moments, I placed a kiss on his temple, and then slid my mouth down closer to his ear.  I gave the outer shell a teasing little lick.  “How about we make our own porn?”

He jerked back, and his gaze was angry.  “Are you serious?  After what I just saw, I don’t think I’ll be able to get it up for months!”

With deliberate slowness, I smoothed my hands down his back until I could grab a hold of his ass.  His gasp was loud as I jerked his hips forward until his groin was in full contact with mine.  He tried to struggle and weasel his way out of my arms, but there was no way I was letting him go.  I gave my best lecherous grin, and slowly started undulating my hips.  It took mere moments before I felt his cock start to plump up.

“Do not tell me that turned you on!” He shouted, his voice over-loud.  I could see real shock and disgust in his eyes, so I quickly shook my head.

“Babe, that didn’t do a thing for me,” I assured him softly.  “But you’re in my arms.  That always gets me hot.”

He tried to keep up his facade of discontent, but I could see it crumbling rapidly.  I lowered my head until my lips were just a fraction of an inch from his, but didn’t go any further.  He would have to give in.  Only when he’d decided that I was telling the truth could he have the kiss.  Luke gave a frustrated whine when I didn’t move any closer.  Finally he huffed out a breath, lifted on his toes, and pressed his mouth to mine.  The kiss was slow and languid and I let him lead.  But after just a  few minutes, he pulled back.

“Sorry,” he said, his tone half flippant, half apologetic.  “Traffic cone.”

I chuckled, and let him go.  No help for it if the image was going to keep popping up in his mind’s eye.  We’d try again later.  I turned to leave, but before I walked out, I tossed one order over my shoulder that was imperative if I ever wanted to get laid again.

“Stay off the porn sites.”

His answering chuckle wasn’t exactly reassuring.

“Here.”

The voice startled me and I blearily blinked at the steaming mug in front of my face before lifting my gaze to see the man behind it.  My face was a stiff mask, I hadn’t been able to sleep at all, and I couldn’t even manage to muster a smile.  But Cal still looked at me like I was the most beautiful thing in the world.  Even if his deep brown eyes showed sadness.  And a bit of helplessness.  He didn’t know what to do with me right now.  He didn’t know how to help.  All that mattered to me was that he was here.  And apparently bringing me tea.  I took the mug and cradled it my hands.  The heat soothed my stiff fingers.  But I couldn’t make myself drink.  She’d taught me to love tea.

“Thanks,” I whispered.

I had curled up in the arm chair by the bay window right after I’d gotten the call last night.  I hadn’t moved.  Despite Cal’s coaxing, I couldn’t get up.  She’d given me this chair.  And now she was gone, in the blink of an eye, and I hadn’t seen it coming.  I’m sure she hadn’t either.  And even knowing that was the way she would have wanted it didn’t help to assuage the sadness suffusing my entire being.

Cal sat on the ottoman at my feet, tugging it just a bit closer until his knees bumped against mine.  His hands went to my thighs, just holding on, a reassuring touch in the miasma of despair. I never wanted him to let go.

“What can I do, Justin?”

I shook my head.  There was nothing he could do to make this better.  My vivacious, beautiful, accepting, rainbow-flag waving grandmother was gone.  There was absolutely nothing that could ease the ache.  She had been the first person I had told that I was gay, and the only person who accepted it without question.  She’d simply given me a hug, enveloping me in her familiar scent of chamomile and honeysuckle, and told me she loved me.  When my parents kicked me out, she’d taken me in and refused to speak to them until they changed their ways.  She’d always been my rock, my confidant, my safe harbor.  When I had met Cal, she was the one who told me he was my forever man.  She’d been right.  I didn’t know what I was going to do without her.  The sorrow threatened to overwhelm again, filling up my chest until I felt like I was choking on it.

“Get up,” Cal suddenly snapped, his voice a harsh imitation of his usual genial tone.

I blinked at him.  Then gasped in surprise as he grabbed the mug from my hand, the cooling liquid splashing over our fingers.  He slammed the cup down on the end table and stood up fast.  His face was hard, angry, and I just stared.

“Get up.  Right now,” he demanded.

“What?”  I couldn’t contain my shock.  I didn’t even try.  He’d always been so gentle with me, and now of all times, he was getting angry.  I couldn’t understand.

His hands wrapped around my biceps and tugged until I had no choice but to move or fall right out of the chair.  He was stronger than I was and he used that strength to haul me into his arms.  I couldn’t believe he was acting like this.  I struggled against him, but he held me fast, his arms wrapping tight around me.  One big hand came up to cup the back of my head, pushing my face down into the crook of his neck.  Being held immobile, the fight went out of me, and I sagged limply against him, letting him support my weight.

“It’s going to be all right,” he said, his voice still rough but a lot more tender.  “It hurts and it probably always will.  But she loved you more than anything else on this planet.  And that’s not going to go away just because she’s gone.  Every time you sit in that chair or drink a cup of tea or read Jane Austen, you’re going to think of her.  And you’ll be reminded of that love.  You’ll always have the lessons she taught you to carry you through.”

The dam broke.  The sob started in my chest, my entire body shaking as it worked its way out.  Tears flowed from my eyes, and I did nothing to stop them. letting them soak Cal’s shirt.  He held me, letting me cry, rocking us gently from side to side.

“That’s it, babe.  Let it out.  It’s good to cry.  You haven’t done that yet, and you need to.” Cal’s voice was soothing in my ear.

Eventually, the sobs quieted, the tears stopped, and I took a deep, shuddery breath.  Cal didn’t release his hold, but he eased back a bit so he could see my face.  His voice was firm but gentle when he said, “We’re going to get through this.”

I nodded, and took another breath.  I needed a tissue.

He gave me a soft smile.  “Think you can sleep now?”

I nodded again, and let him lead me to the bedroom.  He stripped off my clothes, then his own, before tucking me under the covers.  He disappeared for a moment, but came back to hand me a washcloth to wipe my face.  When I was done, he got into bed behind me, pulling me close, wrapping me up in his solid, warm body.  I let out another shaky breath, and closed my eyes.

I drifted to sleep knowing that Cal was right.  We would get through this, and my grandmother’s love would always be a part of me.

**My characters speak for me…and then have sex**

I stared at the blank document, my hands poised above the keyboard ready to type.  I watched the cursor blink.  I wracked my brain.  I watched the cursor blink some more.  Then, with a defeated sigh, I dropped my hands to my lap and bowed my head.

“Eli?” asked the deep voice from behind me.  “What’s the matter, babe?”

I turned in my chair to look at my boyfriend.  Cole was a big guy, with dark hair cut close to his scalp and a slightly imperfect nose from a fight in high school.  He was beautiful and loving and wonderful and absolutely the love of my life.  I could tell him anything and he would listen without judgement.  And he always offered his blunt and honest opinion.  I loved that about him.

“I’m boring.”

Cole cocked his head to the side and studied me for a moment, before crossing the floor on silent feet.  He stood behind me and dropped his warm, strong hands on my shoulders.  After a moment, they started to knead, working the tension from my stiff muscles.  He worked quietly for a long few minutes before he asked softly, “What are you talking about?”

“There’s supposed to be…” I trailed off and made a helpless gesture at the empty computer screen.  “I’m supposed to put up regular blog posts and I’m supposed to be writing words and I just…. I don’t have anything to say.”

“Well,” Cole said after a moment.  “You can’t force it.  Every time you do, you hate everything you write.  So just take a deep breath and take a step back.”

“But I’m supposed to write!”  I was whining and I didn’t care.  Cole’s hands squeezed, and I took a deep breath. “My readers, they come to the blog expecting to see posts about my progress.  Or what’s going on with me.  Only I don’t have anything to say and I haven’t made much progress.  How is that fair to them?  They’ve been so amazing.  They deserve better than that. How can I expect to keep the few fans I have if I don’t give them what they want?”

“You’re just starting out as an author, Eli.  You have to give it time.  Pretty soon, you’ll have many more readers.” Cole leaned down and placed a kiss on my temple, then said in my ear, “Believe it or not, they know you’re human, that you have a life outside of writing.  They all understand that sometimes you’ve got nothing to say.”

I nodded miserably.  “But I want to write for them.  For me.  I just–”

Cole cut me off by turning my head and pressing his lips to mine.  As always, I went pliant beneath his mouth.  I loved his lips and I loved them on mine.  He knew how to make me putty in his hands.  A few teasing licks, a little bit of a nibble on my bottom lip, and I melted with a sigh.  He pulled back, a soft smile playing on his lips.

“Maybe you just need a little inspiration,” Cole said, his voice low.

I blinked.  “Wha?”

He gave a sensuous chuckle, taking my hand in his.  With a little tug, he pulled me to my feet and started leading me toward the bedroom.  We had made the spare room my office, so it was a short walk across the hall and into our room.  With deft hands, he removed the t-shirt and sweat pants I was wearing, then gave me a little nudge so that I toppled backwards on the mattress.  Cole kept his gaze on mine as he removed his own sweatshirt and jeans.  Within moments, he was naked, his cock half hard and rising from the nest of dark curls I loved to bury my nose in.

“You write gay romance,” Cole said, his voice gravelly and deep as he stalked toward the bed.  He put one knee on the mattress as he reached for the condom and lube on the beside table.  “You’re a gay man.  So–” he stopped and gestured to his naked body, and then gave me a wicked grin as he added, “inspiration.”

My breathing sped up even as I lifted my arms and made a “gimme” gesture with my hands.  “Yes, please. Inspire away.”

Cole’s movements were slow and sensuous.  His lips and fingers never stopped moving, tracing and kissing every patch of skin on my body that he could reach.  He was always an attentive lover, always seeing to my pleasure.  He’d told me repeatedly that he got his own pleasure by watching me come undone.  He stretched me slowly, readying my body to take him in.  He wouldn’t be rushed, no matter how much I begged.  I didn’t need that much prep but Cole didn’t seem to care.  He never entered me before he decided I was ready.  He never wanted to cause me even the slightest amount of pain.

Cole drew out our pleasure until I was a sobbing, begging mess beneath him.  Only then did he pick up his pace, give me the pounding that I really loved.  When I finally came, I screamed out wordlessly.  Cole followed me over a dozen thrusts later, his big body pinning me to the mattress.  We were sticky and sated, panting heavily.  I held him as close as I could.  I loved his weight on me, and I never felt more cherished than when he held me tightly after we made love.

Eventually, Cole moved.  He disposed of the condom, and then pulled me out of bed to drag me into the shower.  He washed my body, and I let him, loving his hands on me even when he was just cleaning my skin.  Ten years together and he still made my breath catch.  When we were back in the bedroom getting redressed–because the day was only half over–he gave me a lazy smile as I pulled on a clean pair of sweatpants.

“So?  Was that inspiring?”

I dropped the t-shirt in my hands to launch myself at him.  Wrapping my arms around his neck, I kissed him.  Hard.

A while later, when I was back in front of my computer, I lifted my hands and began to type.

I stared at the blank document, my hands poised above the keyboard…