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Switching Gears

So I got myself all worked up into a mess thinking about the whole plot thing. But I got totally stuck. I mean, the title and the basic plot point still work. Those two things do not have to change.  Also the characters, who are deliciously perfect together, can stay exactly as they are. The rest of it though? That’s another matter entirely. I need to rework everything and as I forced my focus and desperately thought, I found myself getting further and further away from any sort of workable plot.

The thing is, I really wanted to work on this story next. I was in the right head space and the guys were talking to me. So I was hoping that I’d be able to rework the plot and go to town. Get this story in the works and start getting on the page. But instead, the story became even more elusive and I had no choice but admit defeat. Temporary defeat, that is.

This story is temporarily on the shelf. Believe me when I tell you these guys are going to be great once I finally know their story. But for now, I have to put them away.

Instead, I’m shifting focus and switching gears. I’m working on something else instead, something that’s been in the pipeline and that a couple of people have told me they are waiting for. I’ve broken ground on Alex and Spencer’s story. Something Like Want is in the works.

Flash Fic Friday

Flash Fic Friday: Flashback

**Thought I’d do a something a little different today and repost one of the first flash fics I wrote. It’s been two and a half years, and this one was always one of my faves. Enjoy!**

His job had transferred him out of state and I had been heartbroken.  After eight months of building a solid relationship, he was moving to the other side of the country.  How could fate be so cruel?  But he had sworn to me that he didn’t want to give me up, that what we had was worth it, worth everything, and we would make long distance work where so many couples before us had failed.

At first, it had been wonderful.  Every evening, we’d skype and it was almost as good as being together.  I couldn’t touch him, smell him, taste him, but it was almost and it was what he had.  We’d carry our laptops with us as we went about cooking dinner, watching TV, life in general, talking about our days and our lives.

But then, after six months of that, he’d started to pull away.  He’d make excuses; say he had to work late or that he’d had to meet a client for dinner.  I’d tried to talk to him about it, suggest that we should maybe take a break, but he was adamant that was not what he wanted.  It was a rough patch, we would get through it.  But lately, our skype dates were coming fewer and farther between.  And as I sat there in the corner, staring at the laptop and waiting for him to call, my heart was breaking.  Because this was the fifth time he’d simply not called when he said he would.  Afterwards he sent emails and texts, swearing it was unforeseen and he was so, so sorry.  And I kept falling for it.

“So what’s his excuse this time?” my roommate’s voice startled me.  I jumped but didn’t look at him.  “Or did he just blow you off again?”

I didn’t respond.  There was nothing I could say.  Quickly, Julian was across the room, kneeling before my chair.  I couldn’t look at him.  He was beautiful and kind and loving, but he was my best friend.  And I was committed to someone else.

Julian’s warm hands gripped my calves.  “Forget him, Henry.  He’s not worth it.  Never was.”

I couldn’t respond.  Didn’t know how.  Julian’s sentiment echoed my own, mostly.  There had been a time when…the chime from the laptop interrupted my thoughts.  I was receiving a call.  Three hours late, but there he was.

Before I could react, Julian reached over and snapped the laptop shut.  He shoved it off the bed and it landed with a thump on the plush carpet.  I opened my mouth to protest, to say something, anything.  But Julian was quicker, rising up on his knees, and pressing his soft lips to mine. I couldn’t believe it, didn’t even know how to react, but Julian was not dissuaded.  He kissed me gently, coaxingly, until I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him back with equal fervor.

He pulled back, both of us panting for air, and gave me a soft smile.  His big hands framed my face and forced me to look at him.  “You’re mine, baby.  Always have been.  So you’re done with that jerk.  And you are never going to hurt again.”

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The Hitch

I was ready to dive in. I was.  All set, poised and about to jump.

Until I had the startling realization that the plot I’d created in my head was startling similar to the plot of another book.

I don’t know how I didn’t realize it sooner. While I was sitting there plotting and taking the time to write that plot out, you would think that it would have hit me. Considering the book in question is one I enjoy and have read several times. You would think I’d have made the connection. But I didn’t and so it was like a lightning bolt or a punch to the face or something shocking and/or illuminating. I didn’t see it before and then it was all I could see.

Now, yeah, I know. There’s only so many stories you can tell, and often times, there are points that are similar throughout books. It’s inevitable, in a way. It’s going to happen. But this goes beyond that. It wasn’t just one or two similarities. It was a whole host.

And so…I’m reworking and altering and changing. Have to. And even though it’s a bit frustrating and for a little bit I was very growly about it, at least I realized it BEFORE I started writing.

I still expect to get my head together and get this started. There’s been enough procrastinating. So I’m focusing on that. The characters are good as they are, the beginning can stay the same. It’s just all the other plot points that need to be changed.

I’m laughing about it now…in a way I wasn’t yesterday. And looking at it like it just might be the thing I need to get this thing jump started.

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Diving In

It’s funny how there comes a point in my brain, in my process, where everything just clicks and I’m ready to get on with the writing. I can’t even clearly say why it’s happened this time. A few friends have been nudging me, agreeing with the “just tell the story and don’t worry about the other stuff,” and that’s definitely helped. Kind of like I have…validation, perhaps. Not all stories require this level of internal debate. And I think I’ve finally narrowed down why, exactly, I’m dragging my feet on starting this new story.

The answer is really threefold.

The first is all me. I’m really enjoying listening to audiobooks and knitting right now. So my free time has been spent doing that, and I’m loving it. I find it relaxing and rewarding. And I haven’t been quite ready to cut into that time yet.

Second thing is that I read a lot. And reading is a vital part of my writing process. I’m not quite sure how I can explain it so that it makes sense to you, but for me, when I don’t read, my imagination lags, and I don’t feel as motivated to write. But of late…let’s just say that what I’ve read has been less than stellar. And there have been some that have been really good. But the lackluster showing has…dampened my enthusiasm some. I recently saw it described as refilling the well, and that resonated with me, as my well is nearly empty.

And then there’s just me, my personality. I worry incessantly about ridiculous things. It’s just who I am. I fret. I second guess. I overthink and over analyze.

But good news is, I’ve gotten over the hump. With the kind nudging, I’ve gotten my head into a good place. And that’s the first, most important step toward getting this story on the page. That last thing? Well, there’s nothing to do about that except shove it aside for as long as I can. And the kind nudging and the validation certainly helps keep that at bay.  Now that’s accomplished, I can deal with the other two things. The first is easy enough: I work really well on a reward system. An “if I do X then I can do Y” kind of thing. Using the knitting and audiobooks as a reward if I write a certain number of words or for a certain length of time means I can have both. The second is actually easy to handle as well: go back to some old favorites. Read something I haven’t in a while that I love, and that will help to fill the well.

With those three things handled, I can finally dive in. I’m on the edge of the spring board, and I’m read to jump. I just have to get the right kind of bounce going. Watch the word meter over the coming week, I expect it to go up by thousands.

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The Moment When

…You’re certain that the story you’re about to tell is garbage.

It happens to me a lot.

Okay, wait, that sounds weird. So let me try to explain.

I’m sure I’m not the only one it happens to. Actually, I know I’m not. But I get this feeling, deep down in my gut, and I just know, with utter certainty, that the story I’m about to write is bad. It’s all very, “What was I thinking? I can’t write this story. It’s stupid and pointless and no one is going to want to read it. I need to scrap it, throw it away, and think of a new idea. A better idea.” It happens to me every time I come up with a new plot, when I get to the point of getting ready to actually write it. I spend time waffling about, trying to convince myself that it’s a story worth telling. And I give my computer the side eye, not wanting to go near it, though I feel it’s siren call. Because that way lies heartache and I don’t want heartache.

(not to muddy thing up, but I also get this feeling about about the three-quarters point while actually writing the story. I know all the time spent was a waste and it’s a crap story and I should abandon it and think of something news)

But see, the characters, they call to me. They keep popping up in my brain and I keep seeing scenes from their lives. I keep seeing this story played out in all those times during the day when my brain scampers off to play with imaginary characters.

So I know this is the story to tell next, I know these are the characters to tell it. Logic brain tells me that. But Lizard Brain, the one that’s full of fear, keeps pulling me back.

Lizard brain won’t win in the end. I have the plot mostly mapped, and I know where I want to go with it. I know that’ll change when I actually start writing, but I’ve got my jumping off point. I’ve got two guys who have already begun to worm their way under my skin. There are times when I don’t know whether I like Seth or Gabriel more.  They both have endearing points, and things about them I adore. I like “watching” them together. (See how I just dropped the second MC’s name in there?)

I gotta get through some stuff over the next week or so. Obligations I need to fulfill and another yarn project I want to finish. But I’m making tentative plans to do a sequesterish Saturday, to get that jump start on the writing. Because I need to just shove this moment out the window. And start telling the story.

Flash Fic Friday

Flash Fic Friday

I didn’t like practical jokes. I very rarely thought they were funny. To me, they felt mean. I knew I was in the minority, but I didn’t like to laugh at others. I didn’t like it when people made fake announcements that were supposed to be happy or shocking, and then take it all back. I found it hurtful more often than not. It made me uncomfortable.

So this day, April 1st, was one I dreaded with everything in me. I steered clear of social media. I didn’t watch TV because even self-respecting news programs got into the horrid “holiday.” I even took the day off of work, just so I could hide at home. Instead I immersed myself in a good book and ignored the world all day.

So when my phone started blowing up with text messages and Twitter and Facebook notifications, all congratulating me on my engagement, I was shocked. At first. And then I started to get wary and confused. And the more messages that came in, the more confused I got. Until it started to boil over into anger.

It didn’t take long to figure out what happened. As message after message popped up, I cautiously scrolled through my notifications until I came to the one that started it all. A tweet of a message cross posted from my boyfriend’s Facebook page. “Luke and Michael happily announce: WE’RE GETTING MARRIED!!!” with me tagged at the end and several little heart emojis.

I gasped, then choked, and then nearly threw up. How dare he do something like this? He knew how much I despised this sort of thing on this day! We weren’t some sort of April Fools joke. How could he treat us like one? My heart hurt even as my anger burbled over into rage, and I called him even knowing he’d be in the middle of his work day.

“Hey baby,” he answered on the second ring, his voice low and smooth and full of love and affection. Usually, that voice had me grinning and melting, but not today.

“How could you?!” I ground out, my temper taking over. I shoved a hand into my hair and pull at the strands. “How could you do this to me? To us? You know how I feel about this!”

“Whoa whoa whoa,” he soothed, and I heard him stand up from his desk, the rattle and bang of his chair familiar. “What are you talking about? Michael, what happened?”

“You!” I all but shouted. “With that fake announcement on your Facebook wall! What kind of shit is that?”

“What do you mean?” I heard the genuine confusion in his tone. “Was I not supposed to announce it yet? I didn’t think that would be a problem.”

I was brought up short. Then I squinted my eyes, even though he wasn’t here to see. I needed to make sure we were on the same page. “Luke, what are you talking about?”

“Last night, I asked you to marry me and you said yes. So today I posted it. I didn’t give any details. I was just so happy I couldn’t contain it and I wanted the world to know.”

“When did I ever…” I trailed off as the memory resurfaced. Of us naked and sweaty and his cum and lube drying on my skin. Of the love that filled his eyes as he pulled me in close and he said he loved me more than anything and we should get married. And me agreeing, sated and happy, snuggling in closer, content in a way only he made me feel. I groaned, and slumped back on the couch. My voice was a mere whisper when I spoke, “I thought we were just, you know, starting to talk about it. I didn’t realize it was a proposal.”

Dead silence from his end. I swallowed hard, suddenly scared I’d hurt him. I opened my mouth, ready to call his name, but he spoke first.

“Do you want to marry me?”

And I got what he was asking. He wanted to know if it was something I even wanted, if I was ready. And the truth was, I was very ready. We’d been dating for two years, exclusive and in each other’s back pockets for nearly that whole time. He got me like no one else, and even though he’d yet to reach a quarter of a century and I was past three decades, I loved the holy hell out of him. I wanted him by my side forever.

“Yes,” I said, firmly and full of conviction. “Very much so.”

His sigh of relief was loud. “Okay, well. Awesome. Good. We’re getting married. And I told the world already. So we’re good.”

I grinned, because I loved him. “On April Fools day,” I groused, only half meaning it.

He gave a low chuckle. “Yeah, I didn’t even think of it being the first. Oh well. Anyone who knows us will know that we meant it, no matter what day we announced it.”

And the truth was, he was absolutely right.

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Happy News

I’ve got two exciting things to talk about!

The first is that earlier this week, I contracted a novella with Dreamspinner Press!  Woo! It’ll most likely be out at the end of the year, and it’s Travis and Noah’s story. I had a blast writing it, I fell in love with these guys so hard, and I can’t wait for you  to read it too. It’s actually the longest book I’ve written for publication to date. Holidays play a big part in the story, not to mention a little bit different twist on the friends to lovers trope. So basically two of my very favorite things. Seriously, you guys, I adore this story and I’m so happy it’ll be out to enjoy during the holiday season. I’ll post more info as I have it. But for now know that His Needs will be coming to a bookshelf near you!

And then, the bittersweet news…

Amber Quill has officially shut it’s doors as of today. And it’s still sad news, and it still hurts my heart. The Seattle guys are currently unavailable. But they won’t stay that way for long. I’m working with a fantastic artist and friend (details to come!) to give them a great new look inside and out. And then I’ll be publishing them myself in the usual outlets. At the very least, they’ll be at Amazon and ARe. I don’t have all the details worked out yet where that’s concerned. But I’ll be sure to provide the info when I have it. Rest assured, if you already have any or all of the Something Like books, they won’t be changing. Or if they do, it’ll be minor things. I’m not adding any new content. So you don’t need to purchase the new editions.

The new versions will hit the e-tailers sometime in the next couple of months. Definitely watch this space for updates. There’ll be lots of news in the coming months!

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Vacation Days

I love days off from the day job. I love them even more than I used to, since everything went sideways and has yet to straighten out. I particularly love that my boss was like “take some days before crap really starts flying so that you don’t get shafted.” That’s a good boss right there.

At any rate, I have to work today and tomorrow, but then I have the rest of the week off. Two days on, five days off…that’s how it should always be! LOL.

So the focus issues aside, because I’m very much looking forward to the time off and I don’t want to work, I’m thinking about what I’ll be doing on those days other than lounging in comfy clothes. I have a little reading to do, get ahead of the game. I have much knitting to do, and audio books to listen to. That right there is an awesome thing.

And then there’s writing.

Yeah, I haven’t put many words on the page as far as this new story has gone. I’m in that “second guessing all my choices and should I even write this book” stage of the game. It happens to me every time. Every. Single. Time. I start plotting and thinking and I get all sorts of ideas and then it’s like I slam into a concrete wall. I agonize over every little choice and talk myself out of and into the story about seven dozen times (and that’s not an exaggeration). I irritate the people in my life fretting over simple things. And I’m still firmly in that stage. I have yet to see my way clear.

But I have tentative thoughts of writing on my days off. I often do that with days off, and it seems like I can focus well. But I don’t know yet if I’m ready to get going on the story. Or if I want to work on other things, writing wise. So I don’t want to plan anything and have it fall through…either because of external or internal forces. When that happens, I have a tendency to beat myself up. So I don’t want to set myself up for failure.

If I do, then I do, and that’s great. If I don’t, then that’s okay too. Ultimately, these days are about relaxing and unwinding, which I’m in need of. And if that means I spend some time at my computer putting down words, then all the better.

Flash Fic Friday

Flash Fic Friday

**Whether you celebrate it as a Christian holiday, or are just in it for the eggs, bunnies, and chocolate, or both!, here’s wishing you a very Happy Easter!**

“Guys, come on!” I called out, picking up my keys from the sideboard, and grabbing the light jackets off the hooks by the door. “We’re going to be late!”

There was a patter of small feet, and then our five year old son Damian rocketed into my knees. It was his favorite game, so I obligingly pretended he was about to knock me over. I stumbled back dramatically, scrabbling against the wall to stay upright. Damian chortled, a sound much deeper than his small body should have been able to produce.

“Don’t fall, Daddy!” He screeched, his voice pitching up, responding to my dramatics. This too, was part of the game.

I clutched at my chest, playing along. And then I realized what he was wearing. His pants, vest, and bow tie were white. His dress shirt a pale robin’s egg blue. His blond hair was plastered to his head with his papa’s gel. And his shoes were also white and very shiny.

“What are you wearing?” I asked, just a little incredulously. Damian looked down at himself and then back up at me, his blue eyes wide and guileless, and then shrugged.

“Papa did it,” he accused. I fought to keep the grin off my face. He’d learned the blame game from us, a thing we’d done since we first started dating ten years ago.

“Mike, honey, what did you dress our son in?”

Mike’s eyes, so blue that everyone always mistook him for Damian’s biological father, gave me a wide grin. “Look at our son, Joe. Isn’t he just too adorable for words?”

He did look cute, this boy we’d adopted just six months ago. From the moment we brought him into our home, we knew he was ours. He’d been living in not the best of situations, and his mother had finally given up custody. But though Damian had been through hard times, he adapted quickly, and after a rocky first couple of months, he was now a smiling, happy, well adjusted little boy.

“Yes. He’s the best looking kid ever,” I agreed softly, and I cupped my hand around our son’s cheek. Then I gave Mike a pointed look. “But as cute as he is, it’s not exactly appropriate for what we’re doing, you know?”

Mike blinked. Then he shouldered the bag he was carrying, and shoved us both toward the door. “Come on. We’re going to be late.”

***

An hour later, I had to admit that watching the perfectly dressed adorable child run around with all the other well dressed children while looking for hidden Easter eggs had been just too perfect for words. Mike had his camera out, the expensive one with the lenses that he wouldn’t let me touch, and he’d photographed our son to within an inch of his life. But now the eggs were all unearthed and the organizers of the egg hunt and community picnic were gearing up for the rest of the fun and games. I wanted Damian to participate, but he’d ruin his clothes. And it couldn’t be comfortable either. I frowned again in Mike’s direction, unable to believe he had dressed our kid this way.

As if my thoughts conjured them, my husband and son came running toward me, laughing for all the world. Damian fell down in my lap, his cheeks pink and his eyes happy. Mike snapped a few more pictures, then carefully put his camera in the case. As soon as he was done, he told Damian in no uncertain terms that it was time for a potty break. Damian knew better than to argue, and though he dragged his feet a little, Mike took him to the bathroom on the far side of the park.

I leaned back against the tree where Mike and I had spread out our blanket, and just absorbed the laughing, shreking, happy sounds of children playing and having a good time. The youngest were infants, the oldest maybe ten or twelve. But every last one of them seemed happy, and I couldn’t keep the smile off my face.

It grew even wider when Mike and Damian emerged from the bathroom, this time with Damian dressed in a pair of khaki’s and a polo shirt. Still on the nice side, but a lot more practical for running around and playing games. He tugged on Mike’s hand and pointed frantically to the jungle gym just ten feet away. Mike ruffled his hair and motioned him on. Damian tugged his hand and spoke earnestly, and only when Mike nodded gravely did he finally run off to play.

A moment later, Mike was at my side and I lifted my arm so he could snuggle in.

“He wanted to make sure I’d be watching,” Mike murmured.

“Of course,” I said. “As if you’d take your eyes off him.”

“And he wanted to know I’d protect his eggs and not let ‘that mean Molly’ take them.”

I laughed and kissed his temple, before glancing at the basket were he’d carefully horded the ten or so brightly colored eggs he’d rooted out from their hiding place. They were plastic and no doubt filled with chocolate. We’d have to be careful to dole that out. Too much sugar, and Damian got sick. Mike did too, for that matter.

“As if you’d let anything happen to his treasure.”

Mike grinned and nodded. “He trusts us, Joe. He really does now. To be there. To take care of him.”

“Yes. He does.”

Mike’s eyes welled up, but he kissed me quickly, and then leaned back in my arms. He didn’t say anything as he turned his attention to our son. I watched him watch Damian. No words were needed. Our family was finally complete.

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Jump Start

I need one in the worst way.

You may (or may not) have noticed that the word meter on my latest WIP has not moved a single bit. I have the first couple of paragraphs written of the opening scene. I have my characters. I have about three plot points I want to hit before I get to the end, where there will be an HEA (because this is romance!). But I’m having trouble getting going. I wrote those first few paragraphs when the idea struck, typed them out quickly and emailed them to myself. But that’s all. I’ve barely even written any notes. And the few times I have, the story has gone off the rails in a direction that I didn’t want it to. Somewhere that’s out of character for my MCs.

Normally, I’d say that’s what the characters want and I’d roll with it. But it’s not. Nor is it what I want from the story. So I have to back up again and refocus.

I have this feeling like the story is just out of reach. That if I could just get into the groove of it, then the rest of it would unfold before me. If I could just get going, I’d be okay. Seth and his pretty man would commence falling in love in the way that was right for them and not by falling into all the tropes and cliches along the way.

Side note: there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with tropes and cliches. At all. Cliches are cliches because they are true; tropes are popular because people LIKE them. (Me included!) I have no problem with tropes and cliches. What I’m actively avoiding is my brain’s sudden need to throw a bunch of them in together. Seriously, one or two are enough for a story, thanks.

So anyway, yeah. I need the jump start to get going. I need the thing that’s going to drive the story. Once I can get going, then I’ll be okay. (Or at least, I’ll have a different set of problems that come with telling a story) But until then I’m actively thinking while I go about all the other things in my life and trying to find that one thing, that scene, that thought, that is going to jump start this story and get the engine revving.