I didn’t freak out nearly as much as usual.
I worked on it, did final edits and tweaks. I watched some YouTube, podcasts as well as some favorite songs which I sang badly at the top of my lungs. I just had to give the cat lots of love because she was just demanding all the attention ever. I read it through. I caught even more typos (gah! bane of my existence). I poked at it, ignored it in favor of more bad singing, and then finally I had it complete. I panicked a little then. But I had the submission email already waiting. I had the synopsis already attached. All I had to do was attach the MS, after I saved it to ALL THE PLACES and then I would be done.
I attached it.
And then I hit send and ran away from my computer.
I could have thought of a dozen reason to keep reading it through. I could have dragged it out for months. I could have whined to someone for days or even weeks, about how it was awful and I wasn’t going to do it, until I was told firmly and unapologetically that I was exhausting and I needed to shut up.
But I knew deep down that it was the best I could make it. I knew that maybe I could make a few more adjustments, but in the grand scheme of things it wouldn’t make that huge of a difference. So I pulled up my big girl panties and I just sent it. Panicked afterwards, pretty hard, but it was done. It’s out of my hands. It’s in someone else’s, and they get to make the decision. And even as I hate waiting, even as it will tear me up in the next couple of month while I wait for the answer, even though I will be a nuisance to those I hold dearest…it off. It’s no longer in my control. And weirdly, there is a comfort in that.
I can’t control what happens next, but I can control my reaction to it. And I am preparing myself for either outcome. And that’s all I can do.
Well…that and start working on the next one…