Kris T. Bethke–Author of M/M Romance

“Here.”

The voice startled me and I blearily blinked at the steaming mug in front of my face before lifting my gaze to see the man behind it.  My face was a stiff mask, I hadn’t been able to sleep at all, and I couldn’t even manage to muster a smile.  But Cal still looked at me like I was the most beautiful thing in the world.  Even if his deep brown eyes showed sadness.  And a bit of helplessness.  He didn’t know what to do with me right now.  He didn’t know how to help.  All that mattered to me was that he was here.  And apparently bringing me tea.  I took the mug and cradled it my hands.  The heat soothed my stiff fingers.  But I couldn’t make myself drink.  She’d taught me to love tea.

“Thanks,” I whispered.

I had curled up in the arm chair by the bay window right after I’d gotten the call last night.  I hadn’t moved.  Despite Cal’s coaxing, I couldn’t get up.  She’d given me this chair.  And now she was gone, in the blink of an eye, and I hadn’t seen it coming.  I’m sure she hadn’t either.  And even knowing that was the way she would have wanted it didn’t help to assuage the sadness suffusing my entire being.

Cal sat on the ottoman at my feet, tugging it just a bit closer until his knees bumped against mine.  His hands went to my thighs, just holding on, a reassuring touch in the miasma of despair. I never wanted him to let go.

“What can I do, Justin?”

I shook my head.  There was nothing he could do to make this better.  My vivacious, beautiful, accepting, rainbow-flag waving grandmother was gone.  There was absolutely nothing that could ease the ache.  She had been the first person I had told that I was gay, and the only person who accepted it without question.  She’d simply given me a hug, enveloping me in her familiar scent of chamomile and honeysuckle, and told me she loved me.  When my parents kicked me out, she’d taken me in and refused to speak to them until they changed their ways.  She’d always been my rock, my confidant, my safe harbor.  When I had met Cal, she was the one who told me he was my forever man.  She’d been right.  I didn’t know what I was going to do without her.  The sorrow threatened to overwhelm again, filling up my chest until I felt like I was choking on it.

“Get up,” Cal suddenly snapped, his voice a harsh imitation of his usual genial tone.

I blinked at him.  Then gasped in surprise as he grabbed the mug from my hand, the cooling liquid splashing over our fingers.  He slammed the cup down on the end table and stood up fast.  His face was hard, angry, and I just stared.

“Get up.  Right now,” he demanded.

“What?”  I couldn’t contain my shock.  I didn’t even try.  He’d always been so gentle with me, and now of all times, he was getting angry.  I couldn’t understand.

His hands wrapped around my biceps and tugged until I had no choice but to move or fall right out of the chair.  He was stronger than I was and he used that strength to haul me into his arms.  I couldn’t believe he was acting like this.  I struggled against him, but he held me fast, his arms wrapping tight around me.  One big hand came up to cup the back of my head, pushing my face down into the crook of his neck.  Being held immobile, the fight went out of me, and I sagged limply against him, letting him support my weight.

“It’s going to be all right,” he said, his voice still rough but a lot more tender.  “It hurts and it probably always will.  But she loved you more than anything else on this planet.  And that’s not going to go away just because she’s gone.  Every time you sit in that chair or drink a cup of tea or read Jane Austen, you’re going to think of her.  And you’ll be reminded of that love.  You’ll always have the lessons she taught you to carry you through.”

The dam broke.  The sob started in my chest, my entire body shaking as it worked its way out.  Tears flowed from my eyes, and I did nothing to stop them. letting them soak Cal’s shirt.  He held me, letting me cry, rocking us gently from side to side.

“That’s it, babe.  Let it out.  It’s good to cry.  You haven’t done that yet, and you need to.” Cal’s voice was soothing in my ear.

Eventually, the sobs quieted, the tears stopped, and I took a deep, shuddery breath.  Cal didn’t release his hold, but he eased back a bit so he could see my face.  His voice was firm but gentle when he said, “We’re going to get through this.”

I nodded, and took another breath.  I needed a tissue.

He gave me a soft smile.  “Think you can sleep now?”

I nodded again, and let him lead me to the bedroom.  He stripped off my clothes, then his own, before tucking me under the covers.  He disappeared for a moment, but came back to hand me a washcloth to wipe my face.  When I was done, he got into bed behind me, pulling me close, wrapping me up in his solid, warm body.  I let out another shaky breath, and closed my eyes.

I drifted to sleep knowing that Cal was right.  We would get through this, and my grandmother’s love would always be a part of me.

**My characters speak for me…and then have sex**

I stared at the blank document, my hands poised above the keyboard ready to type.  I watched the cursor blink.  I wracked my brain.  I watched the cursor blink some more.  Then, with a defeated sigh, I dropped my hands to my lap and bowed my head.

“Eli?” asked the deep voice from behind me.  “What’s the matter, babe?”

I turned in my chair to look at my boyfriend.  Cole was a big guy, with dark hair cut close to his scalp and a slightly imperfect nose from a fight in high school.  He was beautiful and loving and wonderful and absolutely the love of my life.  I could tell him anything and he would listen without judgement.  And he always offered his blunt and honest opinion.  I loved that about him.

“I’m boring.”

Cole cocked his head to the side and studied me for a moment, before crossing the floor on silent feet.  He stood behind me and dropped his warm, strong hands on my shoulders.  After a moment, they started to knead, working the tension from my stiff muscles.  He worked quietly for a long few minutes before he asked softly, “What are you talking about?”

“There’s supposed to be…” I trailed off and made a helpless gesture at the empty computer screen.  “I’m supposed to put up regular blog posts and I’m supposed to be writing words and I just…. I don’t have anything to say.”

“Well,” Cole said after a moment.  “You can’t force it.  Every time you do, you hate everything you write.  So just take a deep breath and take a step back.”

“But I’m supposed to write!”  I was whining and I didn’t care.  Cole’s hands squeezed, and I took a deep breath. “My readers, they come to the blog expecting to see posts about my progress.  Or what’s going on with me.  Only I don’t have anything to say and I haven’t made much progress.  How is that fair to them?  They’ve been so amazing.  They deserve better than that. How can I expect to keep the few fans I have if I don’t give them what they want?”

“You’re just starting out as an author, Eli.  You have to give it time.  Pretty soon, you’ll have many more readers.” Cole leaned down and placed a kiss on my temple, then said in my ear, “Believe it or not, they know you’re human, that you have a life outside of writing.  They all understand that sometimes you’ve got nothing to say.”

I nodded miserably.  “But I want to write for them.  For me.  I just–”

Cole cut me off by turning my head and pressing his lips to mine.  As always, I went pliant beneath his mouth.  I loved his lips and I loved them on mine.  He knew how to make me putty in his hands.  A few teasing licks, a little bit of a nibble on my bottom lip, and I melted with a sigh.  He pulled back, a soft smile playing on his lips.

“Maybe you just need a little inspiration,” Cole said, his voice low.

I blinked.  “Wha?”

He gave a sensuous chuckle, taking my hand in his.  With a little tug, he pulled me to my feet and started leading me toward the bedroom.  We had made the spare room my office, so it was a short walk across the hall and into our room.  With deft hands, he removed the t-shirt and sweat pants I was wearing, then gave me a little nudge so that I toppled backwards on the mattress.  Cole kept his gaze on mine as he removed his own sweatshirt and jeans.  Within moments, he was naked, his cock half hard and rising from the nest of dark curls I loved to bury my nose in.

“You write gay romance,” Cole said, his voice gravelly and deep as he stalked toward the bed.  He put one knee on the mattress as he reached for the condom and lube on the beside table.  “You’re a gay man.  So–” he stopped and gestured to his naked body, and then gave me a wicked grin as he added, “inspiration.”

My breathing sped up even as I lifted my arms and made a “gimme” gesture with my hands.  “Yes, please. Inspire away.”

Cole’s movements were slow and sensuous.  His lips and fingers never stopped moving, tracing and kissing every patch of skin on my body that he could reach.  He was always an attentive lover, always seeing to my pleasure.  He’d told me repeatedly that he got his own pleasure by watching me come undone.  He stretched me slowly, readying my body to take him in.  He wouldn’t be rushed, no matter how much I begged.  I didn’t need that much prep but Cole didn’t seem to care.  He never entered me before he decided I was ready.  He never wanted to cause me even the slightest amount of pain.

Cole drew out our pleasure until I was a sobbing, begging mess beneath him.  Only then did he pick up his pace, give me the pounding that I really loved.  When I finally came, I screamed out wordlessly.  Cole followed me over a dozen thrusts later, his big body pinning me to the mattress.  We were sticky and sated, panting heavily.  I held him as close as I could.  I loved his weight on me, and I never felt more cherished than when he held me tightly after we made love.

Eventually, Cole moved.  He disposed of the condom, and then pulled me out of bed to drag me into the shower.  He washed my body, and I let him, loving his hands on me even when he was just cleaning my skin.  Ten years together and he still made my breath catch.  When we were back in the bedroom getting redressed–because the day was only half over–he gave me a lazy smile as I pulled on a clean pair of sweatpants.

“So?  Was that inspiring?”

I dropped the t-shirt in my hands to launch myself at him.  Wrapping my arms around his neck, I kissed him.  Hard.

A while later, when I was back in front of my computer, I lifted my hands and began to type.

I stared at the blank document, my hands poised above the keyboard…

Some more Alex and Matt…joined by the indomitable Carrie. **Mildly NSFW**

“No.  Fuck no!”

“What do you mean no?” Carrie asked, a little incredulously.

Matt just smirked. “Yeah, he said the same thing to me when we were talking about me moving in here.  We all know how well that turned out.  Isn’t that right, Alex?”

I stared at my best friend and my fiance like they were on drugs.  I was pretty sure they had both snorted coke when I’d been out of the room.  Because they couldn’t be serious.  Apparently, from the looks on their faces, they were.

“I’m not releasing fucking doves.  You’re both out of your goddamn mind if you think–”

I stopped short when I saw the twinkle in Matt’s eye.  His face was a mask of seriousness, but the little sparkle in his green eyes was enough to give him away.  I squinted and all but growled, “You little shit.”

He burst out laughing, and Carrie quickly joined him.  They’d been playing me.  I really should have known.  They thought they were fucking hysterical when the ganged up on me–which was happening with a lot more frequency the more time they spent together.  Lately, that had been a lot, since Carrie was actively helping to plan the wedding.

I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about all the trappings of the ceremony.  I wanted to marry the man I loved and it didn’t matter how it happened.  Matt had said he didn’t care either, but deep down, I knew he did.  So I let him have the reins to plan the kind of day that he wanted.  Normally, Matt’s taste was impeccable so I had no doubt that I’d appreciate any choices he made.  Of course, I hadn’t really thought through throwing Carrie into the mix.

“Come on, Lex,” Carrie said, her voice cajoling, when she so the look on my face.  “We were just playing around.”

Matt instantly looked contrite and slid from his chair to land in my lap.  He wound his arms around my neck and kissed me, not caring that I was frowning.  “I’m sorry, baby,” he whispered, his lips against mine.  “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

I sighed and melted, pulling him close and squeezing him tight.  He tucked his head down into the crook of my neck with a content sigh of his own.  And then after a beat, he very purposely wiggled his ass so that he ground against my cock.  I gave him a glare because Carrie was sitting right there and had an unholy gleam of interest in her eye, but Matt didn’t seem to care.  He was deliberately trying to seduce me.  But I didn’t want him doing that just to make up for the fact that they’d played a joke on me.

I pulled back far enough to say so but the look in his green eyes was enough to make me catch my breath.  He wanted to ravage me and I was suddenly all for letting him.  Matt licked his lips and my gaze dropped to watch his tongue.  His lips quirked up in a small, smug smile.

“Sorry, Carrie,” Matt said.  “You need to go.”

“But why?” she whined petulantly.  “We haven’t made any real decisions!  We’ve just been goofing off for the last hour.  Your wedding is only three months away and–”

“You need to go,” Matt interrupted, not taking his eyes off of me, “Because I’m going to drag your best friend into our bedroom and fuck him into the mattress.”

I hissed in a breath.  I loved it when he got commanding.  If he was in a real possessive mood, I wouldn’t escape the bedroom without several deep, bruising bites.  Just the thought of it made me shiver.  I was hard already, just from his words and his weight in my lap.  He wiggled expertly, making sure I knew he felt me.  I barely stifled a moan.

“Wait a minute,” Carrie said, her tone thoughtful.  “You do the fucking?  Cause, seriously, if I had to guess, I would have said the other way around.”

“Dammit, Carrie,” I ground out, my ears turning red.  I didn’t know which bothered me more; the fact that she’d said that out loud or that she’s been thinking about it at all.

“Oh, Alex fucks me plenty,” Matt said conversationally, still keeping his eyes on me.  He readjusted his position until he was straddling my thighs, then pushed his hard length into my stomach.  “But tonight?  I’m totally doing him.”

I wouldn’t call the sound that escaped my throat a whimper exactly.  But it really revved my engine when Matt talked like that.  My hands moved of their own volition, grabbing his ass and pulling his body tight to mine.  God I loved his ass.  Matt’s grin turned cocky as he tipped my head back and kissed me hard.

“At least wait till I’m gone!” Carrie squeaked.  A minute later, the front door slammed.

I pulled out of the kiss, trying to catch my breath.  Matt knew exactly how to get me worked up.  I was ready to let him devour me, but first there was something I needed to know.  I caught his wandering hands in mine.  He pouted but looked me square in the eye.

“Why is it you always pounce when you’re making wedding plans?”

His pupils were blown with lust and he growled.  “You’re gonna be mine.  Forever.”

“Yeah,” I agreed with a shiver.  “I am.”

“Wanna make you mine right now.”

I had to grin, because, really, I loved it when he got like this.  I’d always wanted to belong to someone.  And even though I’d had moments of worries and doubt since Matt and I had gotten together, the one thing I knew with absolute certainty was that I loved this man with everything I had.  When I nudged him, he stood quickly and practically yanked me out of the chair, and then dragged me across the house to our bedroom.

He wanted to show me I was his?  That was fine with me.